Written by: Gizmo

Gordon Brown announced this morning that all British tramps will be given free blankets this winter.

Written by: Gizmo

Written by: Gizmo

News has reached the CTF desk that the 2009 F1 season will not include a North American round, after the Canadian GP at Montreal joined the US GP Indianapolis on the list of tracks that Bernie Ecclestone has decided are no longer required.

Written by: Gizmo

People around the world held their breath today as they got into lifts to celebrate International Vegetarian Day

‘Why are we celebrating these people?’ asked a man, this morning. ‘All they do is whinge about the fluffy wuffy bunnies and eat lentils. And now they’re claiming that cows are causing global warming. It’s the thin end of the wedge I tell you - remember Hitler was a vegetarian. And Bryan Adams. And that horrible Heather Mills woman.’

Carling Cup Second Round
West Ham United - Macclesfield Town

The Boleyn Ground is not Stamford Bridge. Seems like an obvious thing to say. But it’s dirtier, less polished, and as you come out of Upton Park tube, the differences are stark. You’re in East London now, not West. The shops sell kebabs, not kaftans; pots and pans, not pension plans.

The football world was reeling today at the news that the buck-toothed formerly-acne-ridden footballer with a string of failed relationships with beautiful women behind him, Cristiano Ronaldo, is in fact the love child of Sir Alex ‘don’t call me Alec’ Ferguson.

Britain is wasting far too much food, according to Minister for Pies, Whipputs and t’North John Prescott.

Semi-legendary fat bastard and alleged secretary shagger Prescott deplored the misuse of perfectly good provender. “If you aren’t going to eat it, don’t buy it. Buying food and then not eating it, that’s just not right you know. That could go to someone what needs it. Me, for instance. I’m terrible hungry. Have you got a chocolate bar on you, or maybe a cake? I ‘aven’t eaten nothing since ‘alf an hour ago.”