Written by: silver

FIA boss Bernie Ecclestone has approached the government for an emergency rescue package after his wife filed for divorce.

Written by: silver

A member of the British National Party has been exposed as a traffic warden in a list leaked to the press on Monday.

‘I never minded anyone knowing I was a bigoted oik, but I am devastated that my kids have found out I’m a traffic warden,’ said Fred ‘Adolf’ Jones as he dodged burning tyres in Deptford, South London. ‘The only thing worse in their eyes would have been if I’d been a mobile speed camera operator.’

Written by: silver

Bernie Ecclestone has plumbed new depths of Formula 1 madness with a proposal to replace the current points system used to decide the winners of championships with a system of gold, silver and bronze stars.

Written by: silver

Despite the nation’s hard-won reputation for being drunken louts, the British are no drunker than anyone expected them to be.

After years of pleading with the nation to be more like the French and spend all day drinking wine in cafés, the government has decided other countries’ drink problems are just as bad as ours.

Written by: Seymour Baas – the only travel writer committed to finding the best places and then not telling the plebs about them

So to Washington DC for the election.

Written by: silver

The new commissioner of the Metropolitan police will be a large dog, an unnamed source claimed today.

The breed of the dog is not yet known, but it is alleged that it could be a spaniel whose previous duties included sniffing illegal immigrants and drugs at Heathrow. Competition for the position has been fierce, as women and representatives from various ethnic groups fought to demonstrate how politically-correct they could be.

Written by: one-eyed Jack

In an effort to harmonise Anglo-Asian relations, the government has decided to add some more Gary Glitter songs to its GCSE music syllabus. This stands for Glitter’s Cambodian Sex Education syllabus of course in which children as young as 9 learn about the wonders of love, daddies, and sausages.The convicted paedophile’s 1970s chart hit, I’m the Leader of the Gang, was listed as “related listening” in coursework for the Kiddie Fiddler Commission’s music GCSE. The government said the song’s inclusion was “likely to get the foot tapping” and called for it to be Labour’s party anthem for Gordon Brown during his next General Election campaign.

Mayor of London Boris Johnson has declared a war on holes in the capital’s roads in his Way to Go! masterplan.

Written by: AlexKP

As America wakes up to the realisation that it has a new president, a few lone voices have been claiming that Barack Obama is not white. Until a few weeks ago, the vast majority of Southern States voters had clearly indicated their conviction that Obama was a white man with a heavy tan. ‘I’m votin’ Obama. I ain’t gonna see no goddamn coloured in the White House’ was a common reaction to any suggestion that the Democrat candidate might be the first Afro-American to attain the highest office.

Written by: silver

The world was dramatically saved today when the Bank of England cut the base rate by an unprecedented 1.5% to 3%.

Following the sensational and historic victory for Barack Obama in the US Presidential Election, CTF have managed to secure a world-wide exclusive interview with opposition leader David Cameron to ask him what the outcome meant for British people and his attempts to seek change in the run-up to the next general election here in the UK.

Written by: silver

Barack Obama has been elected president of the United States of America in an historic election race.

The Democratic senator is the fourth black man to be elected president after Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact, David Palmer in 24 and Jimmy Smits in the West Wing.

Council officials blunder with Welsh road sign

Jonathan Ross steps down from presenting comedy award after 17 years

Giant bat found in Tanzania

Good looking dad? Sons don’t inherit looks  

Vulture attacks tourist.

Written by: silver

The entire BBC is to be banned over the now-infamous Brand phone prank, it was revealed today.

The big switch-off for the BBC will happen sometime in November after 27,000 people living in the district of Outraged, Tunbridge Wells complained despite not having heard the broadcast.

Written by: Gizmo

Gordon Brown announced this morning that all British tramps will be given free blankets this winter.

Written by: silver (with a bit of help from Gizmo)

Prince Harry is to train as a helicopter pilot after his on-off girlfriend Chelsy Davy told him that she was fed up with being taken for granted.

Written by: silver

Experts warned yet again that Britain is teetering on the brink of recession.  And this time they really mean it.

The stock markets plummeted, output fell by 0.5% and the economy shrank into a tiny dot, leading to a fresh round of head-shaking and doom-mongering from City analysts.

Written by: AlexKP

Written by: Ecks Ridgehead

Stories about knife crime have fallen dramatically in the wake of the global financial crisis, new evidence suggests.

As Mervyn King followed news that bears defecate in arboreal regions and the head of the Catholic church favours unusual headgear by stating that Britain is now entering a recession, newspaper headlines are now 180% more likely to be along the lines of ‘Greedy Bankers Ate All Our Coins’ than ‘You’re Going To Get Stabbed, Yes You, And Your Dog’.

Written by: silver

The ‘Hello magazine’ effect has been blamed for the perceived widening of the gap between Britain’s rich and poor.

Another pointless report commissioned by someone with nothing better to do said today, ‘The poor read about the super-rich getting richer and think they’re poorer.  Or something.  So they go out and comfort shop in Waitrose and designer retail outlets to make themselves feel better about being poor.’