Bank of England “Unsure” of whereabouts of £50billion.

The Bank of England today issued a press release intended to reassure the national banking system that reports of a loss of £50 billion were unfounded.
The Governor of the Bank, Mervyn King, claimed “Although we do not know the exact whereabouts of the money, we are confident that it has not fallen into criminal hands and expect to find it again soon.”

Prime Minster defective, Trading Standards called in

Trading Standards officers were called in last week after reports that Prime Minister Gordon Brown is defective and a potential danger to the public.

Indifferent Service

TfL are due to announce a new categorisation for its service boards. The service boards are traditionally displayed at stations in an attempt to misinform passengers on the current running incapacity of trains. After a wave of complaints from customers on the inaccuracy of the boards, TfL has decided to overhaul the system and make it more realistic. The proposed changes are as follows:

I was looking forward to this as a fan of all things scrap-heap-esque, and also as a major fan of Major Dick Strawbridge - and not just because of his more than excellent name that’s fun to say in a Kenneth Williams voice.

Government Heralds Return to Square Wheel

The government today announced that square wheels will be re-introduced to ease congestion and help prevent global warming.

‘Square wheels will, by their very design, slow traffic down and reduce carbon emissions,’ said government transport spokesperson, Richard Spunkermeyer, speaking from a public toilet in Woolly Edge motorway services, where the emergency summit was held. When asked if he had recorded the popular instrumental theme from Beverly Hills Cop, he said, ‘No, that was Harold Faltermeyer.’

Catch and release to be banned?

In a surprise move by the Department of Wildlife in conjunction with the RSPCF, the practise of Catch and Release fishing may be coming to an end.