Canary Wharf Management Group feel the Christmas love…

The bauble-shaped CCTV sign just fills one with that warm seasonal feeling.

While tfL lay on trains for the elite.

Only 2 days left to go for November’s photo competition.  Get your cameras out and head down to your nearest bit of post-apocalyptic industrial wasteland now!

Post your entries in the Photo forum

After some valiant efforts from the likes of Crazy Fool, one-eyed Jack, Gylen and Gizmo, I am pleased to announce the winners of the CTF Limerick Competition!

In third place with his Top Gear-themed limerick is GB:

What happened to wee Hammond’s hair?
It looks like he should be called Clare,
He should sort out that bonce,
Cos he looks like a ponce,
It’s becoming just too much to bear.

Written by: Top Fuel Digger

Written by: Gizmo, our Lusaka correspondent

Acting head of state David Banda has been elected the new President of Zambia.  After hitting the headlines last year when adopted as an orphan who mysteriously had two living parents, Banda, aged two, won 42% of the vote when Madonna, 83, agreed to let him stay up until 8pm to hear the result.

Written by: silver and Gizmo

A mini ice-age is set to cause traffic chaos next Monday as temperatures plunge to below -200 degrees, according to weather website, Metcheck.

The cold snap is due to hit the country around 9pm on Monday and last until midnight and will bring the country to a standstill.

Written by: Enigma

Gordon Brown seized on reports of an increase in shoplifting in Peterborough earlier today as evidence that the government’s policies are working. ‘Our prudence in following a post-neo-Keynesian monetary policy freed from the narrow constraints of the cross-economic-cycle is already showing success as goods fly off the shelves, not only in Peterborough but across the country.’

Written by: Gizmo

Fans all over the country celebrated today at the news that after an 11-year campaign, James Allen’s career as a Formula One commentator is over.

Written by: one-eyed Jack

As expectation mounts ahead of the pre-Budget report (PBR), an exclusive survey for Chew-the-Fat reveals what your average man or woman in the street is hoping to hear from Chancellor Alistair Darling today.

Mike Oxsmall, Hull

Written by: silver

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed the true extent of his desperation to be liked.

After trying everything from cutting interest rates to nominating himself as a candidate for ‘I’m a Celebrity’, Brown has finally resorted to slashing VAT a whole 2.5% for tradesmen to avoid paying.

Written by: one-eyed Jack

 Written from the head rather than from the heart

 This former spin-doctor for the Labour government and writer of the generally well-received piece of non-fiction THE BLAIR YEARS now turns his hand to writing a novel for the first time, and in doing so reveals some of the experiences and vices of his own past in a story that he has acknowledged includes some adaptations of autobiographical events. Drawing on personal experiences of depression and alcoholic addiction,

Written by: silver

FIA boss Bernie Ecclestone has approached the government for an emergency rescue package after his wife filed for divorce.

Roll up, roll up! Everyone must be able to write a better limerick than this, which is why I’m only the judge.

The Editor of Chew The Fat

Devised a challenge which she thought that

Would sort the men from the boys

Stop the throwing of toys

And rhyme the word ‘that’ with ‘tw… ‘cat’

Written by: Gorvid

Winter is a wonderful month. Despite the ever darkening evenings and the icy chill in the  air, I find the crisp sting of the wind combined with the warm glow of cottage windows and the wisps of wood burner smoke to be most gratifying. This is somewhat soured by the fact that I get to see an eighteen stone female dress as a giant Mister Man and wobble down the hill wearing Wellington boots that act as a bottleneck for the rolls of calf that appear to grow out of her legs.

When not composing amusing poetry, our members are creating their own supergroups and defining the very epitome of the stylish mofo. Nuclear bunkers appear to be a recurring theme, though this time they’re concerning themselves with furnishing it instead of sexing it up. We’ll refrain from mentioning a certain member’s ill-advised photographic session. Ooops.

Written by: Top Fuel Digger

www.basslinetopfuel.com

I’ve been sat here 2 hours, I’m bored, I have cramp in my legs, I can’t feel my backside anymore, and I’m getting sleepy from being able to move the grand sum of nowhere. With a mask, goggles, helmet and neck brace on, I can’t tilt my head, move it left or right, and I can’t hear a bleeding word anyone says.

Written by: silver

A member of the British National Party has been exposed as a traffic warden in a list leaked to the press on Monday.

‘I never minded anyone knowing I was a bigoted oik, but I am devastated that my kids have found out I’m a traffic warden,’ said Fred ‘Adolf’ Jones as he dodged burning tyres in Deptford, South London. ‘The only thing worse in their eyes would have been if I’d been a mobile speed camera operator.’

Written by: silver

Bernie Ecclestone has plumbed new depths of Formula 1 madness with a proposal to replace the current points system used to decide the winners of championships with a system of gold, silver and bronze stars.

Written by: one-eyed Jack

Britain has always been associated with class structure. In not so distant times past there was the working class, the middle class and the upper class. But now an emerging sub-culture is fighting amongst itself to lay claim to the identity of the lowest of them all: the ‘underclass’.

Written by: silver

Contestants in the new series of ‘I’m Not Even A Celebrity But I Want To Be One!’ were shocked and angry to discover there are insects in the jungle.