Government Heralds Return to Square Wheel
Government Heralds Return to Square Wheel
The government today announced that square wheels will be re-introduced to ease congestion and help prevent global warming.
‘Square wheels will, by their very design, slow traffic down and reduce carbon emissions,’ said government transport spokesperson, Richard Spunkermeyer, speaking from a public toilet in Woolly Edge motorway services, where the emergency summit was held. When asked if he had recorded the popular instrumental theme from Beverly Hills Cop, he said, ‘No, that was Harold Faltermeyer.’
The government’s new policy has been designed to drastically reduce the speed of cars in a desperate attempt to reverse global warming and return the planet to prehistoric conditions. After an initial bid to make wheels triangular was rejected, the new square wheel was suggested as an alternative.
‘We would have really liked a triangular wheel,’ grumbled a source close to the Transport Minister. ‘It would have looked cool, especially on those new Minis.’
The square wheel will be compulsory on all cars manufactured after March 2002, and drivers of cars registered before 2002 will be forced to buy new square wheel adaptor kits which will be sold solely through well-known motoring retail outlet, Hagfrauds. A Hagfrauds spokesperson declined to comment. The only exemption from the square wheel will be buses and bicycles. When the new legislation is brought in after May, anyone found driving a car with the old-style round wheels will be fined £17,000 per wheel and sentenced to 30 days’ work for BRAKE as an unpaid office gimp.
Motoring organisations criticized the move, saying that it would bring the country to more of a standstill than if Ken Livingstone had been allowed to put traffic lights up across the entire country instead of just ruining the London Transport system. The move was also condemned by owners of rolling roads who fear the square wheel will cause damage to their equipment. Some doubts were expressed by ModPower magazine but they quickly rallied when they were informed that it would be the dawn of a whole new era of mods. ‘People will have to roll their wheel arches to fit some phat 17”s on and everyfing!’ cried Barry Smiff, ModPower’s marketing director. ‘We can put some fit birds on the front and it’ll look wicked!’
Some comments from the general public:
‘I think it’s a superb idea! We need drastic measures for drastic times.’ India, 36, Islington.
‘Radical, dude.’ Man with dog on string, 47, Marble Arch.
‘What’s a wheel, innit?’ Kayleigh, 18, Romford.
‘Can I have a bite of your sandwich?’ Charlie, 34, Basingstoke.
‘LOLZ, UR idiots.’ Kid, 13, Manchester.
‘Car drivers are the lowest of the low.’ Anon
‘I just wonder if we will be able to get tyres in time.’ Adrian, 25, Brighton.