All tramps to be given blankets
Written by: Gizmo
Gordon Brown announced this morning that all British tramps will be given free blankets this winter.
In a statement to the Walthamstow Guardian the Premier, MP for Jowls South, said: ‘It’s absolutely in keeping with our principles of sound economic management to give these people the means to keep themselves warm in the coming cold weather. This will result an improvement of 10 percents in our future street urchin stock as crusties have an increased chance of staying alive to conceive, and save stray dogs going into care unnecessarily when their owners suffer an unforeseen case of death. This government guarantees that no tramp shall freeze to death on their bench over the coming months.’
Minister for Protective Equipment (Own Posterior Department), Jackie Smith, told reporters later, ‘It’s all part of an ongoing commitment to preserve Britain as the leading global tourist destination. Foreigners don’t really understand anything British after about 1970 - Austin Powers, Beatles, Dickensian squalor with gangs and rats in the streets, that kind of thing. Now our currency’s bejiggered it’s really cheap for them to come over here too.’
Economic experts were divided on the plans, however, with one source who did not want to be named telling Chew The Fat, ‘He’s a complete fool.’ An opposition politician was quoted as saying ‘I was talking to Oleg, er, a contact of mine from… Venezuela, that’s it… and he says they just use their tramps for target practice. And testing new type of drain cleaner. If they survive we send them to the Black Sea fleet.’
UPDATE: After contact from the Minister’s department, CTF would like to make it clear that Jackie Smith was misquoted in the above article. She actually said ‘our currency is ‘buggered’.
