Financial Advisor may be sued for “Trillions and Trillions”
SPECIAL EXTENDED REPORT
Last night mediocre financial advisor Doug Littlejohn was in hiding after apparently causing the total collapse of the global economy - the result of his purchasing thousands of .com shares in an investing frenzy that has left family, colleagues, and the entire international banking system bewildered and angry.
“Doug was no great shakes as a financial advisor” said one client who may have lost hundreds, “But he wasn’t a complete dickhead either.” Speaking on condition of anonymity, another investor, who had almost three thousand dollars invested by Doug in a portfolio of property and utilities companies, says he now plans to sue Mr. Littlejohn for several million after he converted the shares into cash and then purchased 25% of e-cleaningproductsofnewsouthwales.com
However, within hours Littlejohn had initiated a cataclysmic economic collapse as the investment whirlwind gathered speed and several traders on the NASDAQ, noticing the position taken on e-cleaningproductsofnewsouthwales.com and suspecting a monumental resurgence of .com stock value, began purchasing massive stakes in internet companies that had been virtually or actually dead for over two years.
Companies such as urbanyouth.com, e-wineandnibbles.com, netgrocer.com, fishingnet.net and numerous others were soon experiencing surges in value of tens of thousands of percent. One bewildered ex dotcom CEO, when tracked to his current position at Starbucks unit 227, Milwaukee, broke down in tears when he was told he was once again a paper billionaire.
The orgy of investment spread beyond the boundaries of the continental USA as the other stock markets around the world woke up and wide eyed traders experienced a deluge of purchasing instructions from investors panic stricken at the thought of missing out. By midday the Venture Capitalists were mobilising, and hundreds of millions of dollars of speculative first round funding were flowing once again into new ideas for the New Economy. One successful entrepreneur, sweating with excitement, revealed how that morning he had woken up as a 7/11 store clerk, but by late morning his embryonic company e-beansandbacon.com had successfully raised $22million in seed development capital, and by shortly after lunch had achieved second round funding of $84.3 million to “help aid our mission to bring a new way of purchasing beans and bacon to America.” His ex-work colleague and flatmate now Chief Financial Officer told us they were confident of an IPO within days, and a market valuation “in the high hundreds” (of millions of dollars US).
The long established and traditionally conservative London Stock Exchange quickly jumped on the bandwagon and funds flowed once again into Boo.com and many other defunct or comatose dotcoms as well as a plethora of new online businesses. The newly re-instated Marketing Director of Boo gave a triumphant press conference on the steps of the LSE and said “We may have generated a $450 million deficit last time, but this is a total vindication of our original plan and we are supremely confident of a new era of exciting growth for Boo who will once again be leading the world in on-line sneaker purchasing.”
Incubator Company IdeaLab immediately began channelling money from agitated pension funds and private and corporate investors determined to reap the riches and re-coup losses suffered in the previous dotcom crash, and by 3.30pm announced the launch of 42 new online businesses which “would drive the global economy forward in the coming millennium.”
However, by late afternoon PST cracks were beginning to show in the New Economy and NYFT commentators, backtracking across the exchanges had identified Mr Littlejohn as the initial investor. Shortly after, panic began to spread across the financial markets with Reuter’s quoting Mrs Littlejohn as saying that her husband had been under a lot of pressure recently and “hadn’t been feeling himself.”
Less than one hour later Mr Littlejohn himself phoned in to KZYBC News and confessed that he had been in a strange mood that morning and had felt like doing “something a little crazy”. Trading in dotcom shares ceased almost immediately with exhausted traders slumping over monitors and beginning to dribble.
Tragically several suicides have already been reported on the Nikkei trading floor, and one senior investor has been taken to hospital after attempting to kill himself with an Ipaq. The sudden de-stabilisation in the burgeoning markets has precipitated a cataclysmic crash, with “more than a google” (a one followed by a hundred noughts) in value being wiped off company values worldwide. As international trading was suspended, analysts were seen hurriedly leaving their workplaces as the sixty seventh global pension fund collapsed and Microsoft filed chapter 7 for bankruptcy.
One trader told us as he left the car park that he wouldn’t be returning to work next morning as “There’s no point. There’s no money to pay me, or anyone else.” When pressed as to what he meant by “anyone else” he stared for a moment then whispered “anyone, anyone anywhere at all.” Our reporter stopped another man carrying two lap-tops that he said he intended to trade for food for his family.
In a final development to the day’s extraordinary events, the Bank of England, Bank of America and the World Bank have issued a statement claiming that they intended to seek reparations from Mr Littlejohn as “it was entirely his fault.” Sir David Horsham, Governor of the Bank of England said, “We intend to sue him for trillions and trillions, and when we get the money the global economy will be alright again.” He denied that the worldwide meltdown was as a result of instability in the markets or lack of financial controls and claimed that despite the previous dotcom collapse of 2000, no-one, not even a rocket scientist, could have predicted it happening all over again.
