Knife crime stories down 400%
Written by: Ecks Ridgehead
Stories about knife crime have fallen dramatically in the wake of the global financial crisis, new evidence suggests.
As Mervyn King followed news that bears defecate in arboreal regions and the head of the Catholic church favours unusual headgear by stating that Britain is now entering a recession, newspaper headlines are now 180% more likely to be along the lines of ‘Greedy Bankers Ate All Our Coins’ than ‘You’re Going To Get Stabbed, Yes You, And Your Dog’.
Gordon Brown praised the findings. ‘Thanks to Labour’s effective fiscal mismanagement the front pages of our newspapers are now no longer no-go areas for the British people,’ he said, ‘Now we can pick up a newspaper without seeing yet another scare story about knives.’
David Cameron’s response was conciliatory: ‘In this time of crisis it is essential for everyone to rally behind the Government to bring our economy back on track,’ he said, ‘So I’d like to take this opportunity to point out how badly Gordon Brown is doing. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t look at who’s on that yacht over there.’
Others, however, are less enthusiastic about Britain’s safer front pages. ‘Oh my god bruv I don’t believe it,’ says D.J. and youth stereotype Too Dre Kool, real name Charlie DeLaWarr, ‘Before it was like I’m scared to go out on the streets you know what I mean but now it’s like I’m scared to go into a bank innit.’
Madeleine McCann is still missing.
