The public has spoken…What follows is an interview with TV presenter Judy Finnigan, which took place entirely within my own head, thank God. Any similarity blah blah blah. This wasn’t my idea you know.

Judy: Rod! Hi! Hi Rod hi! Sit down. No, no, sit closer

Rod: Oh Jesus.

Judy: Rod, I’m so glad to meet you at last!

Rod: Yeah well, my boss told me… and, er… Christ, are you pissed?

Judy: Only just enough Rod, if you know what I mean. Everything’s nicely loosened up.

Rod: Oh my God.

Judy: My my, what a strapping chap you are.

Rod: Yeah all right, hands off. Now listen, I need to ask you some questions, quickly.

Judy: Fire away Rod. Hic

Rod: Right then, uh… hey, what’s all this about Richard getting bummed by his Dad?

Judy: Hmm? Christ, is that thing real?

Rod: Take your hands off, you wretched woman. Just answer the questions, will you.

Judy: What was the question?

Rod: Did Richard secretly love it?

Judy: Can you undo this button at the back dear?

Rod: Holy cow! You’re not getting undressed you great lump.

Judy: Pull these things off will you. Ah, that’s better. What do you think of that?

Rod: Christ, what the hell happened? Is that an exit wound?

Judy: Come on Roddy, you know you want to.

Rod: Jesus Christ woman, get off me. There’s no light. My digital watch will stop working.

Judy: That’s it Roddy, just ooch on in there.