Meet Rod Rammage, CTF’s latest editorial recruit.  Rod is a distinguished host and celebrity interviewer whose wealth of knowledge and experience we simply can’t contain any longer without the use of sedatives, no matter how hard we try. His tête-à-têtes with the stars are the stuff of legend - when Johnny Rotten bit Michael Parkinson on the arse, Rod was there afterwards asking Johnny what it was like for him.  Over to you, Rammage…

What follows is an interview with TV presenter Amanda Lamb, which took place entirely within my own head. Any similarity to the real Amanda Lamb is purely fantastic. She would love me if she met me, I bet.

Rod: Jesus, Amanda hi, sorry I’m late!

<Amanda looks a bit cross>

Amanda: You’re AN HOUR late!

Rod: Right, right. Oh what, really? <Checks watch> Ah, well… I did say sorry, so…

<Amanda looks unimpressed>

Rod: Right. So listen, what’s up with you? You look hot. Nice dress, that. Sort of summery, right? Bit mumsy, you know… but you carry it off.

<Amanda pulls dress up at top to cover cleavage, and down over her knees, to cover her… fanny>

Amanda: I’m fine. Did you have any questions for me, I thought-

Rod: Yeah yeah, right. <Gets out notepad> Right, here we go…erm. <Puts down notepad> Listen, do you want a drink?

Amanda: OK, I’ll have a decaf skinny -

Rod: Waiter, bring a bottle of house white will you!

Rod: So, uh… hey what do you think of CTF?

Amanda: I think it ROCKS. I like the unique blend of informative and humourous banter stroke information.

Rod: That’s wicked. What colour underpants are you wearing?

Amanda: What?

Rod: I said, do you miss modelling? You know… you did some modelling didn’t you?

Amanda: Well, not really. I miss the money of course, ha ha ha! But I enjoy presenting much-

Rod: God you’re fit. Oh, drinks are here. Yeah, just put it down there. Oh waiter – water for me.

Amanda: But I can’t drink a whole-

Rod: Drink up love, come on. Don’t worry, it’s only house wine. <Checks wine list> Jesus, thirty five quid? Oh well, it’s open now, so get it down you. It’ll hurt less later.

Amanda: What?

Rod: Hmm? I said, uh… do you like cricket?

Amanda: Cricket?

Rod: Forget it. So, uh… <Looks out of widow> Oh bollocks – traffic warden. Look love – get that will you? <Waves hand at drinks>

<Gets up to leave. Looks down at Amanda and smiles. Quickly gives knocker a cheeky squeeze>

Rod: Beep beep! I’ll give you a bell later. Byee!

Amanda: WTF?