Think-Tank Identifies Cause Of Traffic Congestion
An independent research body has today identified the main cause of congestion on Britain’s roads.
The think-tank Pubis today published research which reveals that most motorists cite “getting from A to B” as their primary reason for driving. Indeed, a straw poll in the CTF office showed that a staggering 80% of people would “probably not use a straw at all, certainly not for hot drinks”, but when we discussed car ownership all of us agreed that at some point in our lives we had used a car to “get from A to B”.
“From our research,” said Pubis CEO Glen Prosstaite, speaking from an off-licence in Tooting, “It follows that most traffic is to be found on the road linking A and B. All we have to do, therefore, is to identify ways of minimising traffic on the A-B route, and the majority of congestion will disappear.”
Tym Herpyes, Solutions Imagineer for Pubis, identified three possible solutions: build more affordable housing in B, move B closer to A, or invest in an advertising campaign to publicise the benefits of travelling to C.
“The outmoded stakeholder paradigm must be inverted,” he said, exposing himself as the pointless fleshsack that we suspected him to be, “The lack of adequate iteration strategies for Britain’s transient post-modern interaction dynamics will seriously compromise any future Alpha-Beta vehicle-space implementation regime.”
A government spokesman told CTF that the Pubis findings are “interesting”, but that rather than examine the A-B issue the government would “probably just do something to do with tax or something”, because they “really do just fucking love taxing people.” The spokesman went on to reveal that taxing people “gets him hot” and “makes him feel like a big man”, before going on to snatch a lollipop out of a toddler’s hand.
We asked a taxi driver what he thought of the Pubis A-B congestion findings. “It beggars belief,” said Stan Hitler, 52, from Carshalton, “I remember when A used to be fields and you could get a tankard of jellied eels, a tune on the old joanna and still have change from a penny for your bus fare to B. And another thing, I don’t like how them queers is these days, all flaunting it on TV and that. What’s the government going to do about the queers, that’s what I want to know.”
We questioned the government about what they intended to do about queers flaunting it on TV and that, but they declined to comment.
This debate is clearly far from over.
