Top Fuel Digger to test Torro Rosso
Written by: Top Fuel Digger
Following our previous articles on the now notorious Top Fuel Digger, it’s come to our attention that somehow, be it by fair means or foul, he’s landed himself a test drive at Formula 1 team - Torro Rosso.Reasons for this selection are still a mystery to us, but we did manage to track down TOP FUEL DIGGER and ask how he landed a drive in one of the potential front running cars of 2009.
CTF: How on Earth did you manage this?
TOP FUEL DIGGER: Firstly, I must ribbbit explain; I’ve not been very well recently. Following that blasted operation, I’ve been suffering flashbacks, of that freakish surgeon and his array of knives, snips and disc cutters. I ended up going into a home for those sorts of people where I was given the best treatment in the world, to get ribbbit me back on my feet.
CTF: The question was “How on EARTH DID YOU MANAGE THISSSS?”
TOP FUEL DIGGER: Well, firstly…ok, I’ll skip that bit. When I got home I found a letter addressed to me, from the principal ribbbit of Torro Rosso, asking for a meeting, to discuss ‘things’. I was confused. These cars he spoke of go around corners, it took 2 days for me to realise what he was trying to explain.
He’d seen the Chew the Fat article about my operation, and instantly saw a marketing opportunity. Following mention of my sabotaging the bizarre cocktail of ribbbit drugs they’d have used on me, for a can of Red Bull, the PR folks at Torro Rosso saw it as an opening to let me have a go in one of their car things. Admittedly, it was Justin ribbbit Horner’s idea, the clever so n so, but they’re all a big family.
CTF: I see, and how do you foresee it going? Do you think you’ll do well?
TOP FUEL DIGGER: Nay problem, I’ve been getting in hours of practice each day. The local Morrisons is laid out quite similar to the De Catalunya circuit, the veggie aisle resembles the ribbbit straight, and the fruit baskets can be re-arranged to form chicanes and corners.
The trolleys have no traction control, so that area wont be an issue either. I’ve had to re-adjust my driving style, as I’m only used to turning the steering wheel every ribbbit now and then, though in the cold it’s quite fun in the other car (it goes all sideways and silly, loves it I do).
Driving in the dark’s cool too, I asked the security guard to turn the ribbbit lights off so I could pretend I was in Singapore. The first lap was fine, but I missed a braking point and ended up amongst the smoked salmon. Never doing that again, it was like an encounter with Ulrika ribbbit Johnson.
CTF: Have you considered sticking to what you know…like…straight line stuff?
TOP FUEL DIGGER: Yes, but this is the only way I’ll ever get free Red Bull and they’ve promised me one of those big ribbbit motorhome things and a year’s supply of Maltesers if I make the grade.
CTF: Well, even though we all know you’re bleedin’ useless, good luck, and drive safely. How did the passport application go by the way?
TOP FUEL DIGGER: The ribbbit F*cking what? The last time I flew I was in quarantine, it was pre-op….errrr…ribbbit…do they take library cards as I.D?
[END OF INTERVIEW]
Editor’s Note: At time of going to press, TOP FUEL DIGGER is sat in Heathrow Customs, awaiting his solicitor to arrive, after being held by airport police for stealing a baggage cart in order to get some pre-test practice in.
